| Felix Colley |  |
| Agnieszka Deutschman |
the baby is her nephew, Antos |
| Peter | Agnieszka's brother |
| Marta | Agnieszka's sister in law |
| Antos | The baby in the photo above. Son of Peter and Marta |
| Teresa | Agnieszka's mother |
I have had a lot of changes of point of view during the last couple of weeks and definitely in the last couple of days.
I went to my brother’s office, he helped me with my work on his computer. We went shopping. I realized when we were there that he is very much like my mum in ways. As I have not let my mum be my mum for a long time, he has wanted to protect me and be my mum to a degree.
There was a situation where we were going to change our plans on when we would be back. I have always been more responsible with informing others of any changes to arrangements, but in the past would tell him like a big sister what he should do - and I was just about to do this when I realized it. So I asked as a younger sister if maybe it was a good idea to call our mum and let her know that we’d be later. He agreed and did so. Normally I’d tell him what to do and then we’d get into an argument. This didn’t happen at all.
I realized that he cares a lot about his family and about me. I also saw that he is actually very active - I’d always thought that he was quite lazy, but he just likes to spend a relaxing time with family and friends when he can. And I started to look at him actually as my brother, rather than someone with whom there is always antagonism who also happens to be my brother as a secondary fact.
I went to my brothers afterwards to help with my nephew and clean up after the ceiling fell in on Tuesday (6 Jan) and said about Felix coming around on Thursday. My brother was considering whether or not to have his friends come over on Thursday if that was the case. His friends were coming to London from Oxford and wanted to see him on Thursday. I said jokingly ‘Don’t worry, we’re not going to only talk about Scientology’...then bit my tongue and thought that maybe it wasn’t so funny. He said ‘I hope not, because Felix is inviting everyone on facebook to join Scientology groups.’ jokingly. Then I said ‘You mean these groups which I join too?’ - It was a game of words which he appreciates and then he offered me a lift and thanked me for helping with my nephew and asked when I’ll be there the next day.
I went to spend the day with my mum and nephew. I got talking with my mum about Scientology. It was very different. There was no antagonism from her. I never thought that I would be able to talk easily with my mother about Scientology, but I did and I confronted everything that she said and dealt with it.
I was at a customer’s house and was worried that I would be late to meet my mum so I called her to let her know. Normally she would moan and complain - she didn’t. And when I called back after the customer and knew I was going to be late, she was still fine and I felt relaxed about seeing her which is the first time. She is normally stuck, but suddenly not.
I went there quickly. We got speaking about our day and my nephew. She cooked straight away. She started to be critical about my brother and sister-in-Law. They got angry with her because she criticized the dinner (I was there, she forgot. It wasn’t the way she said. Actually they were all three 1.1). It was fascinating to use the tone scale and move her up tone, I actually felt cause over her and it felt natural. She soon started talking about all the good things that happened with Antos in the morning. I got a call from someone about our room that we are renting. My mum doesn’t understand English so asked what it was about. I got nervous about it as I expected that she would get antag about Felix going to Flag. She didn’t, we got talking about Scientology instead. It went on for a while but here’s the content, though not completely in the right order:
She said ‘oh no so now I can’t come and visit you because there will be some stranger there’. I said ‘oh mum, you are more than welcome. It doesn’t change anything, you can still come and visit me.’
She asked when I’m coming to see her in Warsaw.
I asked when she’d like me to come?
She said in March or April
I said that my Scientology contract is finishing around April so I can come at this time, but of course I could see you earlier, I’ll just need to organize it with Scientology (she has a button on the word ‘church’ which I would like to handle).
She said ‘ and they will try to get you to do another contract.’
I said ‘Sure they will. But I’ve got different plans for now. I would like to do a design course first. It will help me straight away with my work.’ She looked interested ‘I’m happy with my work now, but if in the future I want to change jobs it will help too.’
She was very happy to hear that I was going to do this first, before sculpture. She wants me to be educated and has always been hung up on me learning to teach but not teaching and is the first time she has been happy with what I want to do since teaching.
She said ‘and what? After you will need to cover someone later?’
I said ‘Not necessarily, but when someone helps me, I would like to exchange. It’s like at work, it’s individual and depends on someone’s responsibility.’ She was ok with that. ‘but look. We are spending time together now.’ She looked a bit shocked and saw that it was real and true.
She asked ‘What Felix will do after Flag? Is he going to work for little money in the church?’
I said ‘yes, he signed a 5 year contract and he will work there, but he will also make sure he earns enough money for us to be happy. I asked where she got this idea about little money?
she said from the book that she gave to Marta who then gave it to me (labyrinth of Scientology).
She said ‘they will...’
I said ‘What ‘they’? I am one of them. I’m a Scientologist. Do you know what good Scientology does? Do you remember The Way To Happiness? There is actually a course on it that is taught to criminals in prison so that they know how to be a part of society and know actually how to live and change their future. When they come out of prison they can change their routine from being a criminal to another way of happier living.’ I also explained about Narconon and Human rights and study tech.
She said ‘Yes I know that there are good things that Scientology does.’ And really gave her agreement.
I was asking what her problem is and she started saying about these books. I found out that she’d actually brought over another book to give to Marta (about an Italian woman who’s is suing Scientology etc. Will get the title from her.)
I asked why would you like to do this? Why would you like to give Marta an anti-Scientology book?
She said ‘it’s not anti-Scientology’
I said ‘is it not anti-Scientology if it criticizes Scientology? From my point of view, it’s anti-Scientology. What do you think that Marta will think of me after reading this book. This is anti-Scientology, it’s anti-me.’ She looked embarrassed and was thinking. ‘You are interested in my opinions and how I feel so why don’t you just ask me questions if you are worrying about me? Why don’t you just come to me? I’m right here.
There’s ex-members in any group. Look in any organization anywhere any work place there will be ex members that are criticizing where they used to be.’ I impinged that there will always be SOME who criticize it. I went over how untrustworthy the internet is, gave an example of how I could write a fake webpage about her beating me as a child and all these horrible things and even get people to write on it that it happened and there isn’t anything she could do about it. Maybe if you are a pedophile there is international laws on that. She didn’t know about it not having laws and really got what I said.
I said ‘Before I got into Scientology, I met Felix and wanted to find out what it is before I got too involved with him so I looked up things and saw for myself strange things and they were really worrying me so I really understand why you are worried. And I appreciate that you care about me and thank you so much, but you have no reason to worry. You know, I looked at those things and I looked at Felix and the people that I met there and I made up my mind. I have made the decision already. If something would be wrong, I’ve been in Scientology for three years and I’m there on staff for two years now and I’m still enjoying it. And I can see that it improves my life and others. There are different people everywhere. I don’t expect anything ever to be ideal. I’m not ideal either. I know that I did lots of things in the past that you told me were wrong. And if I’d listened, my life would be different. But there were also good things that I decided to do. She came up to Boredom and said ‘I know. I know. I don’t want to live your life. It’s your life.’ I thanked her. She was telling me more of her experiences in life of when she should say no, but just wanted to be nice and agree.
She was talking about money. There’s a guy in the book Labyrinth of Scientology who gave all his money to do courses.
I said ‘why? Was he also a staff member because the courses are free for staff members.’
She said ‘He was and he broke up his relationship with his wife and daughter. The wife tried a course to understand, but she realized it wasn’t for her because it affects family time. She left him. They got divorced. I don’t want the same thing to happen to you because I can see Felix is already starting to go on courses and going to America and I see that its like in this book. Its similar. Then she went on to talk about her experiences.
I asked her what is she really worried about. She said ‘just read the book. It’s not anti, just read it.’
I said ‘You’ve read it. You know what you’re worried about. Just tell me.’
She said that she’s worried and that my dad is worried too. That he doesn’t express it, but he is. That they have spent a lot of nights up talking about it. (She is quite low toned and I don’t know how true this is. She said it in a way to make me feel guilt or grief. I didn’t).
She started to tell me about her life. How her and my dad went bankrupt. He wanted to try to resolve it by opening another business. She had a doubt but didn’t say anything, she was just agreeing with everything that he wanted and they went ahead with it and it failed. Then the same thing happened again and they were in a complete mess. Now they don’t have a home, they stay either in my mum’s parent’s house with my aunt and they argue all the time or at my father’s mum’s house who also argues with my mum and criticizes my mum. Even at the place where they are staying in Warsaw for their work the people that they stay with take advantage of my mum and don’t appreciate her. She doesn’t want that to happen to me it would make her so sad if it did and that’s her worry. She doesn’t want me to be super rich, but she doesn’t want me to worry and suffer like her.
For the first time ever I was actually interested in my mum and what she had to say and showed it. I’ve never felt so close to my mum.
I thanked her for telling me. I told her ‘Mum. I don’t want to suffer, I’d like a nice house. I love my job. I love Felix. He’s my best friend and I want to have a family with him. I’d like to have three children. And we will, just for now we’re doing what we want because there won’t be a chance later.’ She was happy with this.
When we were talking about Flag I said ‘Felix would really like to do it and do the courses. It will help us.’
She said ‘It will help you just in Scientology.’
I said that Scientology courses are to learn to improve all of life they are tools for life. It will also help me. It helps relationships and will help us with our relationship. It helps relationships. Look, have we ever been able to talk like this? Have we ever spoken so much without tears, shouting or criticism? Look how much its helped us in our relationship, mum, between you and me. And also Study Technology, it’s an amazing tool and has completely changed my life. Its completely changed my life. In the past I was struggling with study, you know how much struggle I had. I had to force myself to do it and even you had to force me to study. I actually enjoy study now - every study. And can understand at the same time.’
She said ‘Yes, this is what dad does. Courses to help kids learn quicker.’ (it’s not the same, but is the same to her. Same subject.)
I said ‘Great, he’s got something that works for he and I’m sure it works. You see, there are so many different techniques so many different ways. Everyone needs to find the one that works for them. And this works for me.’
We were talking about Felix at Flag and on a contract afterward. She asked ‘what if you have children, what will you do? What will Felix do?’
I said ‘mum. Look at me. We want to have children. Not now, but in the future.’
She said ‘yes but what if have children sooner?’
I said ‘you know Felix. You know Felix. He’ll do anything to support me. You know that. You’ve seen how much he cares with me with Antos. He’s even now coming to see you. This is how he cares. How good he is with Antos. Do you think we’ll do anything but what is best for our children? You KNOW Felix. Do you really think he will just go somewhere and leave me? Just don’t care? Not work and be without a house?’ This was really real for her and she looked relieved.
I wanted to know what she was worried about.
She said ‘That you’ll just eat vitamins and drink water when you’re ill.’
I asked ‘from where does this idea come from?’
She said that I gave her the idea.When she was ill I told her to drink lots of water and take lots of vitamin C.
She said ‘what will you do if you have a bad chest infection or something?’
I said ‘What do you mean?’
She said ‘Would you take antibiotics?’
I said ‘ Of course I’ll take some antibiotics when I need to and Felix too, I’ll go to the doctor. Do you think I’m stupid or something? Look, vitamins help. Water helps. That’s all. If I need to see a doctor, I’ll do it. There’s nothing in Scientology that says not to.’ She looked relieved/surprised at this.
My nephew’s nappy needed changing so we stopped for a while. Then she got PTPd about organizing some work and I said to go and get on the phone. She was grateful that I wasn’t upset with being with Antos on my own.
Felix came shortly after this and we played with Antos. My mum started cooking. My brother and sister in law turned up a while later. They were both quite tired.
They were very friendly and Peter would very often talk in English when it was a group topic, which I liked -even though we then had to translate for my mum. I was very happy that he did this. and he was talking to Antos in English too.
We had dinner, talked a while later. Marta asked when Felix was leaving for Flag, I asked Felix, then remembered and said ‘Sunday but he’s here until then’. She said that we’d probably like to spend that time together before Felix goes. I smiled and squeezed Felix.
Marta said ‘you are more than welcome to come any time that you like.’ And smiled. My mum and brother were fine too.
I missed a call from my mum, I got worried because I know she worries when people don’t answer and gets critical eg ‘what would happen if I needed your help? etc...’. I called her back and she was a bit cold. She said she called before.
I said ‘Yes, I’m really sorry I realized just now. That’s why I called you right now to check that everything is ok. Do you need any help or anything? The number didn’t come up on my phone, but I just felt it was you.’
she said ‘No, everything is fine. I just called you to complain because I had to carry Antos and I got tired.’
I said ‘Oh, poor you.’ She laughed.
We spoke a bit, she was fine it was positive. Talking about the day.
I called my dad to see how he’s doing in Poland.
He was busy, I said I was just calling for no real reason I just thought about him. I made a joke which was like one of his hilarious jokes.
He said ‘Was it black humour then?’ We laughed, it was.
He said ‘Well, lets speak another time. Are you calling because you are upset?’
I said ‘No, I’m great. I’m just working and I wanted to run away from the work.’ And laughed.
I had the realization that my mum is always calling him or me when she wants sympathy. I think she called him when she couldn’t get through to me. She just wanted to speak to someone who will understand how tired she feels.
We will meet my mum on Saturday evening.
This is True.
Agnieszka Deutschman
Write-Up
On Saturday Agnieszka went to meet her brother at work and talk with him about Scientology. He was on the phone the whole time. He is closing up his business in the UK and moving to Poland in March so is very busy. They went back to his place for dinner. He was on the phone for the whole journey.
Getting there Agnieszka’s mum was not feeling well. She was coming down with a cold and had been taking lots of paracetamol and aspirin throughout the day (she had an argument with Marta the night before. It later turned out that Teresa, Agnieszka’s mum, had gone into Marta and Peter’s room and tidied everything away - bags for charity, clean and dirty clothes alike. This upset Marta who has had the same treatment from her mum all her life and didn’t expect the same thing to happen ion her own home... a good justification no less.) and wasn’t feeling very much herself.
They had dinner and it was going nicely. Good comm.
Peter put a new web-cam up on the bookshelf pointing into the room and joked ‘I like to see what’s happening’. Agnieszka later worried that he may be filming it for a psychologist to look at or something. But after, realized that she was just dramatizing from being upset from the evening! She said that he doesn’t like being watched or listened to, or having his picture taken when he looses his temper.
Marta asked Agnieszka about me still flying and then Peter got antagonistic. He didn’t like that it kept changing, didn’t think that it was needed for me to have a visa, didn’t trust it. Then Teresa was saying that she was upset about it and didn’t think I should go. She was worried about Agnieszka. She was worried about the life she read in the book as she had a similar life and doesn’t want it again.
Agnieszka asked her mum what had changed since the day before, she said that nothing had changed, she always felt the same way. Agnieszka knew that it wasn’t true.
They made reference to the two books that they had read. That they could see that her life was going to turn out the same way. Disconnecting, giving all her money and that she won’t really know the truth until she gets to the higher levels. Agnieszka said that she hadn’t disconnected from any one and that she hadn’t given any money either as she is a staff member she gets courses for free in exchange for her hard work.
Agnieszka said that they needed to respect her and her religious beliefs. Peter and Teresa laughed ‘What beliefs? You were brought up in the Christian beliefs.’ They aren’t practicing Catholic, just keep some traditions. Christmas, ten commandments etc. Agnieszka thanked them for that, for helping to make her who she is today. ‘I am who I am because of this family and I really appreciate it. I’ve got a lot of good things from my family.’
She got upset with them saying that she hadn’t been honest to them and finally asked ‘What are you scared of in Scientology? I think that you are scared that I will disconnect. Well I don’t want to disconnect from you. You are my family. People I love. But if this is the way it’s going to be for the next 20 years that you’ll alway criticize me, I don’t know. You should think about it.’
At that point her nephew ran into the living room. (Marta had taken him out of the room when it had started to get antagonistic). Agnieszka played with Antos for a moment, then got ready to leave. Her brother looked shocked and asked what she’s doing. She said ‘I’m not enjoying it and I’m not going to stay here and pretend.’
Peter came into the hallway on his own and said ‘I’m sorry. I’ve gone too far. I really shouldn’t have done that. I’m so sorry.’ And gave her a hug and a kiss.
Marta came out with tears welling up bringing Antos in to say bye to her and had a look like ‘I understand why you’re leaving. Teresa shouted ‘What about Felix, isn’t he on the way here?’ Agnieszka said ‘Yes, but I will meet him on the way.
I met Agnieszka as I got off the buss (I was coming over to meet her). She was upset and had tears in her eyes. She told me what had happened and of her disappointment. She didn’t expect it. She was worried that she’d broken ARC by leaving.
Later that night Teresa called and was upset. She asked if it would be ok to bring the bag over and wanted to know if Agnieszka met me so she is safe. Agnieszka had spoken with Mr. Scott on the way back and had decided that the best thing to do was continue to raise the ARC call her brother in the morning to explain the visa issue. She answered that she was upset, but loves her. Her mum acted like nothing had happened. Agnieszka remembered that she had been on painkillers all day and that she was very low toned and banky when Agnieszka was there. Teresa asked if she was still going to spend the day with her as now she was going shopping with Marta, but she could still come. Agnieszka turned this down, but said that we’ll probably still come over in the evening.
Peter called later and asked about coming tomorrow (Sunday). Agnieszka recalled promising that she’d come over and help babysit while Peter and Marta go to the cinema especially as hr mum is now ill it would help them all, and so said that she’s come over (not being sure if I would be able to come too). Again she reassured him that she loves him but she just doesn’t want to live like that. Peter said it all still sounds weird with the visa thing, Agnieszka explained now she knew that it. He said it’s still strange for him. She asked what is strange? The american law? Peter clicked and said ‘Ah, I get it.’
Agnieszka came to me in the morning and told me that she had decided that she needed to know what they’d read in the book that was so worrying them. She’d opened up a page a read a line that said ‘Scientology believes itself to be the secret protectors of Xenu.’ And came to me and laughed. ‘So that’s what they are worried about! They think I believe this rubbish?! Oh my God!’ And laughed again.
Agnieszka spoke with her brother who was at home with Antos while Marta and Teresa went shopping and arranged to come over. We had a suit case that Teresa need for going back to Poland on the 15th and would drop that off. We were going to try and get there before the ladies got back from shopping then Agnieszka could talk with her brother while I look after Antos - we were too late to do this, so plan B was for Agnieszka to arrange a meeting with Peter or try and take him to one side and talk with him there.
Agnieszka’s mum was still not feeling well so we took over some honey, lemon, ginger and cayenne pepper to make her a hot drink.
Agnieszka caught her brother and said that she’d really like to talk with him and sort it all out. He looked at her without any nervousness at all and said he’d be very happy to do so, he was in a rush as he and Marta were preparing to go to the cinema.
Teresa asked if she could have another drink which I made while Agnieszka talked with her. I came in and Teresa turned on the TV for me and said that I could watch whatever I liked. Agnieszka handled the confusion on the Visa. Teresa asked how long I should be gone for. Agnieszka said that It should be ten months if I do everything in the correct time, although we’re prepared for 1-1 1/2 years. Agnieszka told Teresa that I’d done an IQ test on the internet that rated me as ‘professor’ grade genius and so should be able to do most of the courses in time. Teresa said. Intelligence is only good if you use it. Agnieszka agreed and said that’s why I’m going to do some training so that I can use what’s been given to me. We talked about the different ways that intelligence comes out in different people from David Beckham to Einstein and got lots of agreement on using knowledge. She was happy with this.
Teresa called Peter to tell them what a great job we were doing with Antos and how happy he was to see us and gave us lots of praise... and the honey and lemon drink too. Peter said that we were welcome to stay the night there rather than go home in the cold night, then we’d be able to talk a little when they get back.
Teresa then phoned Macek (her dad), who’s in Poland, and got talking about us. Agnieszka talked to her dad too who asked how we are and when I am going to America. Agnieszka cleared something up with him and also the visa thing. He asked when I’d be back. Agnieszka gave him the same line as her mum. He said ‘ah, so he uses both sides of his brain then. Good’. Agnieszka passed the phone back to Teresa, they talked for a while longer.
Agnieszka and Teresa carried on talking until Peter and Marta got back. Soon Teresa went to bed making sure we had everything we needed for the morning and wished me a safe journey. Peter was very happy that I was looking after his mum, making her drinks (she’d asked for another one just as they got back). We were talking about Antos and how well they’ve done with him. Agnieszka said that she’s a great mum, Marta said ‘and a great dad’ Agnieszka said ‘and a great aunt’ and Marta said ‘and a great uncle’. And we all smiled.
Peter found some paper work that they had to do for the Polish government about their taxes in the UK, we got talking about that and different countries and laws, Marta asked me about the visa. I explained and went over some of the questions that they asked. We had a good laugh at the thought of someone ticking yes to some of them thinking that they could get into the country if they ticked that they were trained as a terrorist and had been a Nazi and how mad they’d have to be. We got talking about mental health, lightly and had some points of agreement. Marta asked me about all the changes with me going to the USA and not and back again and why.
I told her that I had gone to Saint Hill to do a course and get ready for study in America, but while there I recalled that I had a time in my life when I had been collapsing without any reason. I’d been to the doctors had tests, but no cause was found. I wanted to be honest and wrote it up. Because of this I was not going to able to train as a counsellor, but would be able to train as a teacher. It wasn’t my dream, but I would still be able to help people. I said that what would happen if I was giving someone some therapy and they were in something very upsetting and suddenly I collapsed it could really upset them. She agreed with this. She asked if there was any way that it would be able to change. I said that it already had. That I more recently realized that I had been on drugs and not eating properly for a long time. So what was I to expect. I’d communicated this and that I hadn’t had the same thing happen for over 10 years and so I can now go to America and train. She was very happy to hear this. She asked about me not leaving today and if I had finished the course that I was on and what had happened that I can now go on Wednesday.
I told her that I hadn’t got it together in time to leave today, so Marissa (I thought I should put a person in rather that ‘they’ or ‘the church’ etc.) said that the form usually takes three days to get an answer, so I could have the three days off to stay in London and spend some time with Agnieszka before I leave. Then I got an answer back straight away, but Marissa said that as she’d said I could, I may as well stay until Wednesday. That I had got to a good point on my course and would be able to finish it in the US and that I had learnt a lot from it so far about the way I’d been treating people and my attitudes. She was very happy to hear this too.
Marta started to tell us about the argument with Teresa at this point and what had happened and told us about the way her mother had treated her - she was a maternity nurse and would put everything in plastic bags. As she was speaking, Teresa came out of her room and wished us all a good night. She also asked if I would be able to make it back fro Christmas? She’d prefer Easter, but Christmas will do and she looks forward to seeing me, then said goodnight. She wished me a safe journey.
We got talking about their planned move back to Poland and Peter was talking about a government scheme to help young couples with mortgage interest payments and recommended it to us as an investment. We could get a place, rent it to students then it will be free in the Summer to stay in. He asked if we can think about it. We said we will, it makes good sense. I asked if it was legal to do that, he said it probably is. The laws aren’t so strict as in the UK. I granted him the beingness to think that. Even half a day earlier I probably would have criticized the concept and picked holes in it.
Agnieszka spoke with her brother while in the hallway and said again that she would like to meet with Peter and clear it all up. He said he’s fine with it and really showed her warmth when saying it and a genuine warm smile. That he’s very busy this week and the weekend would be great, but that he will make it happen to see her during the week. He knows it would mean a lot to her.
Peter asked if it would be possible after all for them to come over to ours this week as the builders are coming to fix the collapsed ceiling (previous write-up). Agnieszka said of course, only too happy to. If you need to stay the night, that’s fine. It will be cozy, but we can do it. So on Wednesday Marta, Teresa and Antos are coming around to ours while Peter is at work, he’ll check out the state of their flat in the evening to see if its safe to have them back or all stay at ours.
Marta went back to the argument she had with Teresa and said more of it. That she knew it was something that just upsets her and that she apologized afterward for the things that she said that she didn’t mean, she we gave her agreement on it all. She went on to say that she thinks its much better to actually say what you think and get it out in the open than to keep it quiet and make those funny jokes that aren’t really jokes or to knock things over ‘accidentally’, its better to just deal with it, say what you think, then it can be discussed and then you are done. I said’ you know what, I couldn’t agree with you more. Its like having a spot that you know is going to be trouble if you leave it and get worse.’
She thanked us so much again for spending time with Antos and for Wednesday and wished us goodnight and kissed Agnieszka making sure we had everything needed for the night and the morning.
In the morning Teresa woke up and called us in our room to make sure we were up and Agnieszka was ok and ready for work.
Agnieszka called Teresa on a break and chatted about stuff. Shopping etc. Nothing except for a normal conversation between a mum and a daughter. Agnieszka was very happy.
I realized a lot in this weekend. I’d had this consideration that Agnieszka wouldn’t be able to handle them without my help. Another cog I had was that I was as scared of the unknown in them as they were in me. All the anxieties that Agnieszka had communicated to me were thoughts that I had had myself. I was scared that they would film their conversations. I was even worried that they’d kidnap her and get her deprogrammed. I was worried that Marta thought that I wanted to make her wrong for being a psychoanalyst and to destroy her profession as a Scientologist. And so didn’t want to know them.
I realize that these are more a sign of what I have done back on the track and having actually got to know them, I don’t believe it at all.
My viewpoint on them each and as a family has completely shifted.
Further, I realized that even on Saturday I was still expecting something to fight, some antagonism. Actually, I wanted it. I don’t want it any more. I think that this will be written up in part for a success story for my PTS/SP course.
This is true.
Write Up
Today Marta, Teresa and Antos came over to our flat for the day while the builders repair the ceiling at Peter and Marta’s flat.
They were very happy to see that we had decorated our flat and really liked the way it way done. (two bits of black PR are that Scientologists aren’t allowed time to look after their houses or see their family). They remembered the flat after we moved and for over a year did not do anything to it - old ripped wallpaper, mould, dirt and mess. They both called their husbands to tell them how nice it was and warm and they both acked Felix in Polish for doing it and Agnieszka translated it.
The plan was for Agnieszka to go visit Peter as she often does so when working in his area.
Agnieszka’s Day
When Agnieszka was leaving, Marta asked if she could take Antos for a walk with her to the station and did so.
They had a chat about Marta and Peter moving to Poland. Nothing about Scientology was mentioned by either. Marta told Agnieszka that Peter might actually be at home working.
Agnieszka went in that direction anyway and called her brother as she went. He was too busy to meet or speak but Agnieszka acked this and invited him to ours for supper. He was too busy. Agnieszka mentioned the book to him (The Labyrinth of Scientology) and said that she had a flick through this book and now she understands why he and her parents are worried.
She said ‘what I saw just is not happening. What’s in the book is just weird things. They are weird to me and I’m not wondering why they are upset now.’
Peter picked up the subject and said ‘Oh good that you read it. That’s what we wanted, for you to read this book. It’s not even that important for me but more for our parents as they are more worried. If you could just sit down with them and tell them what is true and what is not, there will be no worries. They can see that you’re not brainwashed and that you have normal conversations and you should even let them be honest and have a real conversation - with them being honest, not just sweet talking but saying what they really think. And if they are angry, just let them be angry and express what they need to say.’
Agnieszka had a realization that every time that her family get antagonistic, she gets introverted and can’t communicate freely. Agnieszka said that this is what she actually wants to do. To speak about what she’s experienced and share it with them.
Agnieszka said ‘This is what happens, when I experience something nice I want to communicate it, but when you all are antagonistic I just think that you aren’t interested at all and just want to argue with me and criticize me. So I just don’t want to communicate and I feel weird that I can’t communicate and I’ll look or behave weirdly at the time because I feel weird.’
Agnieszka asked ‘How would you feel if you would like to tell me something exciting that you experienced, something that changed your life, something that helped you to see the world differently and I was antagonistic to you? Would you like to communicate?’
Peter said that he got her point and said ‘but it can’t be a taboo subject that noone talks about because it just hangs in the air and is always there, but noone is talking about it, but everyone knows.
Agnieszka said that she will communicate and wants to because its part of her life and its very interesting.
At some point Peter said ‘I wish that in 30 years you will be a successful Scientologist and I will be very happy and won’t mind if it really is like you say. I would not want that in 20 years you wake up and realize that you’ve wasted the best years of your life.’ Agnieszka let him know that she really appreciated him caring about her stuck to the positive and said ‘that’s great, just think that it can actually go the right way and work out well too.’ and reassured him that he is her family and will be kept up to date with how she is doing.
Peter mentioned ‘family’ and his idea of a happy family. Two people are together with children and are in the house whenever they want and don’t need anyone’s permission. I said ‘look. You know me. When do I ever do anything that anyone tells me to do? Especially that I don’t want to do?’ He said that he knows, but he remembers in the past that Agnieszka was naive and it was easy to influence. She also said of our plans and that that is just what we want to do, but our way and when we want. We also want to have a happy family.
Peter said that he’d spoken with Marta and agrees with her when she analyzed Felix. They know that Felix took lots of drugs and they know that he gave up drugs because of Scientology. They think that he has an addictive personality and jumped from one addiction to another. Agnieszka said good things about Felix after giving up drugs and how happy she is that he is a Scientologist and not a drug addict. He looked at it and agreed.
Peter and Marta had some experience with Scientologists before me. They went to the centre of London for a concert near Big Ben. They enjoyed the music and it was new for them and they were interested. Someone spotted that they were interested and asked them personal questions about their relationship. They didn’t like it, it sounded strange and suspicious. The guy was very smiley and happy and we remind Peter of him because we’re always happy and smiling and loving each other around him. I said that I’m not always happy. There are good days and not so good days. This handled that he thought I had been hiding how I really feel and am secretly upset.
Felix’s day
When Marta, Teresa and Antos arrived, Marta was in anxiety. I worried that it was to do with our plans and being suspicious at first, then I realized that she’d been traveling with Teresa who is ill at the moment and low toned so Marta had been enturbulated and that’s all it was. Marta soon came uptone and was able to communicate more. She was very interested in if I was flying and what was going on with it so I explained in layman’s terms that the PO was not made for enough and so I was trying to find a cheap enough flight while Laurence tried to find more funds. At first she was antagonistic that the church could do this to me, then she understood that an individual could make a mistake and not plan ahead for increases in costs. I made a point in the conversation of personalizing and putting first names there. I handled her on:
- not having to ‘ask for permission to be absent’ but actually taking responsibility and telling one’s senior what you want to do, coordinating things and getting it approved.
thinking of what I do as a job with responsibility, maybe not everyone does, but I do.
that every person in an org has a function and they need to be co-ordinated.
why its better to study in a study environment than at home
that my job right now is to study so that I can when I’m finished counsel others and that if I just decide to take a week off now without caring about it, that means that I’ll be helping others a week later.
That I personally wouldn’t enjoy my day if I decided to turn my phone off and not go and do what I said I’d do.
She was very in agreement on all these points and looked like it had cleared up a lot for her.
She then asked about what I’d actually be studying. So I gave her a brief rundown, first learn about communication and went into the ARC triangle. She had a cognition on it and said ‘so that could apply to one’s attitudes to things as well as people?’ I said ‘Yes. It even applies to different subjects and ideas. No matter what it is, you’ll find this triangle under it all.’ She was impressed and asked what else. I said that I’d learn how to be in front of someone and how to be with them, giving the example of trying to counsel someone who’s going into a phase of grief if it makes one feel nervous. She acked this as a vital thing. I said next would be learning how to use the e-meter, then being able to help others on different problem ares of life like communicating, or having problems. I asked if she’d ever seen someone who just can’t look at things - where ever they go they are looking at the floor and that I’d be learning how to help someone with that too.
I recalled that she had just finished a course. I knew it had something to so with helping new parents with their children, but not much more, but still wanted to grant her the beingness of wanting to learn something to help people with and children and so I did.
At first she was saying that even though she loves being with Antos, it will be nice to start practicing and doing something different. I impinged on how good I thought it was to actually want to do something to change a situation in life and gave examples of council estates in london where a girl will get pregnant a second time just so that she can get quick, free housing and the mothers on the street that just shout at their kids for making noise - again - and not know that they could actually learn something to help change it.
She told me that she’d just been studying at the Freud School in London on how to help mothers with infants under 12 months who had baby related depression of one sort or another. We got into different reactions and the mechanics (more the concept of there being mechanics than any specifically) involved and I again reiterated how much respect I had for her in doing it.
She asked about my training. Would I be able to use it outside of Scientology? I asked what she meant, (uptone, as I didn’t know, not antag.) and she asked if I could use it for the NHS. I said that I’d never thought to find out if the NHS would have it.
I explained that I am getting all of my training for free in exchange I will work a five year contract afterward and that some Scientologists either pay for their own thraing or they get trained the same way as me and do a contract then can work for themselves. Some people are too busy or too far from an Org so these people go to them at home or in their workplace and give them counseling. I said that once I’d done my training, that knowledge was mine for the rest of my life. I said that if I could work for the NHS I’d be happy as long as I could help people. All I want to do is help people - and myself. She looked at me and said ‘we do.’ She was communicating more in how she said it than what she said and I could see that she really felt deeply understood and wasn’t expecting it.
When Agnieszka left with Marta, I was confused as I thought Agnieszka had asked Marta to go with her as she wanted to handle Marta. I later found out that this was not the case. Teresa had gone to lie down and sleep.
When Marta returned, I was unsure of what to do as I thought that she’d just been talking with Agnieszka about Scientology, but just went along with it. She’d been a while and I had started looking at flights to Florida. She is still sure it is an admin error that means that I’m still here.
Later when Teresa was awake, she mentioned that she liked the music that was playing and could we write it down for her. I said that it was a purchase from iTunes and that I could make 8 copies of it and went straight off and got a blank CD and burned it for her. She was very grateful. Another bit of black PR was that Scientologists don’t care about others and don’t do much for them.
Marta and I had a very good evening. Lots of chatting and ARC. We made dinner together, played with Antos, changed his nappy and looked after Teresa. Marta sympathized with me not knowing when I would be going, but understood that these things happen and congratulated me again on the work on the flat and said that she loved it.
They later left with many thanks for the day and ARC.
We found a pair of Antos’s shoes in the bed from when we changed his nappy and called Marta to let her know. She called at the same time as she realized that they were missing when she got home. She wanted to say that if Agnieszka could drop them around at Peter’s work, it would be great or if not, then whatever.
She thanked me again for the day and said that it was really nice to spend the day at ours and it was good to talk. I said it was great to have them around and very nice to talk and looked forward to seeing her again soon.
Agnieszka’s phone call to dad
Agnieszka called her dad tonight and asked how he is. Just a relaxed call. He said that he was surprised and happy, he didn’t expect her to call.
He asked why she was calling. She said she just felt like calling him. She told him that she’d just sent her mum and sister in law home and that it was a nice day. Antos was playing with the cat etc.
He asked how they had been behaving to Agnieszka over this visit. Agnieszka laughed. He asked if they were arguing with Agnieszka. She said a little and it was heated. She said ’I spoke with mum and brother about Scientology and now they seem to be alright as we cleared some bits and pieces. They seem to be happy. You know dad this book, The Labyrinth of Scientology, that you wanted me to read? I had a quick flick through it and there are weird things mentioned in the book which I didn’t experience in Scientology which sound, for me, unreal. So now I understand why you are worried about me after reading it.’
They spoke for about 2 hours here’s a few points that were cleared up:
Dad was concerned about Felix leaving for Flag. I dug deeper to find the actual upset. He explained that he read a book about the brain and how it works. He explained that men usually think just about themselves. He mentioned that there are differences between male and female brains etc. When a man is old starts to think about family and women are completely different. He said ‘you’re very supportive of others and have always wanted to help, even if it didn’t benefit you.So now, you support Felix with his dreams to make them come true because it makes you happy .’ I explained that this is true that I want to help Felix with his dream as I’d wish to with my dad. and explained I also have my dreams and that Felix is already helping me with them, and will continue to. And the issue of having a family is why Felix is going now, rather than later. I said that when he’s back we’ll stick to our agreement and he’ll help me to do what I want. He was fine with this.
He wanted me to remain open minded and not ‘only think the Scientology way’. I spoke a lot about this about study tech, how it helps a person to be more educated and actually find out what they want in what they study. He likes practical books which we agree on and i said that there’s a big practical part of Scientology as tools for life. Not reading for readings sake, but to apply. That’s why it’s for everyone - builder to business man, artist etc. I said that I also read other books. And that the study tech helps me with it. He was good with this and said, well there’s thousands of techniques on learning and each person finds their own way. I said yes, and I found something that works for me, but I’m also interested in what he does (he promotes a learning course for children).
We spoke about Scientology as an organization. He agreed that after experiences in Poland of totalitarianism, people don’t want to go in any organizations as there is little trust. He understood that there can be good organizations but that people react a certain way after they have been hurt as he was after trusting an organization.
He wants me to have a free mind, not just a little ant doing what I’m told, but to be big and do what I want and have time for it. I laughed ‘Dad, you know me. And you know my favourite rebel sentence - you will not tell me what to do!’ He agreed that I’m like that and think for myself. It was real to him.
He said of having no time. I told him that my contract finishes soon and I’m going to do a design course and come more often to Poland to see him. He was very happy to hear this and mentioned several time through the call that he’d like to have a proper face to face conversation more often than is now. He realized that he never had time for me and he left me when I was younger with my mum and brother even when he knew that they invalidated me and that I wasn’t happy. I didn’t want him to feel guilty so I said so. And also said that I love him and my family. They are the closest people to me.
He mentioned the books he sent are more for awareness than for use. Just to have a subject to speak about. Especially the book on manipulating people. He agreed that there are some people who manipulate others and what’s worse is when they are in high positions. We spoke about black pr in newspapers and that there can be people who don’t wish well to Scientology and these kind of people can manipulate the newspapers.
We spoke about the right of free expression and that everyone can say whatever they want and that Scientology supports it.
He analyzed me and my sentences and some point. I told him that if he doesn’t stop analyzing me and putting me in boxes I’ll come now to Warsaw and hit him in the head. He laughed, then confirmed that he analyzes me and just analyzes. I asked him what happened because we used to have free, honest conversation in the past and now there is lots of mystery and two facedness. He said that we don’t have frequent conversations. He apologized that sometimes he cuts me off and doesn’t really listen. I said that I do it too and apologized too. I also told him that they (my family) tell me that I individuate from my friends & family, but actually I feel that you individuate from me by not listening to what I have to say and label me and put me in drawers and assume what I think and analyze me.
We agreed that he will stop reading crap and worrying if I will speak with him more often and see each other more too as he likes a real face to face conversation. I proposed that I will tell him what I do in Scientology and my wins when I am doing my courses so there won’t be any mystery on where I am on the Bridge so his imagination will not have to go wild. He was very, very happy of this and he agreed to it. The phone cut off and he called me back to finish the conversation.
when all was cleared up, my dad wished that I would be happy. We were going over how long Felix would be on training for and he wished Felix well in life too.
It was a good thing with both my dad and brother that they both were caring and could see that I have to communicate about Scientology in my life otherwise it will seem hidden and a mystery.
They were both scared of me being manipulated, but its real to them that I am not one to be manipulated.
It was very warm with my dad like in the old times.
This is true,
Agnieszka Deutschman & Felix Colley
